Existential Crisis and Spiritual Awakening
When I looked more into what I’ve been going through since my mom’s passing last year, I had the realization today that I have been experiencing an Existential Crisis. I’ve read about these but not experienced it directly. Here’s the definition:
“Existential Crises are moments when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose, or value. It may be commonly, but not necessarily, tied to depression or inevitably negative speculations on purpose in life, e.g., "if one day I will be forgotten, what is the point of all of my work?"
Wow. Yes. This is what I have been experiencing, while at the same time enjoying this new Spiritual Awakening! So it’s been a push and pull that’s for sure. It’s been a journey, a Hero’s Journey! This past weekend I had a very meaningful, eye-opening, soulful, honest talk with my best friend about my thoughts, and that’s what came out, this detached and not fully believed idea, and this question, “Does what I do even matter?” And she helped me to realize, yes – yes it does.
It’ll be one year since my mom’s passing on March 11th, and it’s been therapeutic to allow and nurture whatever thoughts and emotions arise, and address each moment with love and compassion. By the end of 2019, I was continuing my spiritual journey and got certified as a Reiki Master. I started Desire Mapping and shared my experience with my friends. I had the best of intentions and even created an amazing Vision Board for 2020.
I started off the New Year with ideas and energy, but then found myself sliding slowly downward toward apathy, questioning my purpose and value in the realm of my career as a therapist. I wanted to stop the train to a complete stop, and get a view from a place of stillness. I felt I could no longer continue on my path and needed a serious look inward. And I did just that. I stopped taking new clients, I turned off my website and scheduler, quit my part-time job, and wondered if I’d even renew my license a professional counselor later this year.
In January, I went to Oprah’s 2020 Vision Tour. I felt elevated upon arrival, then when she asked me what my purpose was, I had a sinking feeling. I thought, “I know my intention and purpose – we do this all the time in yoga and meditation, I created a Vision Board….why is this so hard, and what is with all this resistance and cynicism rising in me?” I left that arena, not feeling alive and connected, but rather, feeling low and questioning everything. It was as if my Existential Crisis was dancing in front of me, saying “Here I am! And I’m not going anywhere until you acknowledge me!” I shared with my friends, and they shared their insights and saw in me a low-vibe energy that was visiting, but it’s not who I am.
To circle back to my eye-opening and soul nourishing talk with my bestie, I came home from my weekend visit still digesting what was said, and how I would respond. Today, I had an awakening, and saw the light at the end of my Existential Crisis. I was again connected to purpose and mission: I am a therapist. I am a helper. I am a healer. I can do all things through God who strengthens me. I have love, I am love, I give love. I have light, I am light, I give light. So now I am simply turning back on the light switch in my career as a therapist, helper and healer. It feels like waking up from a weird dream, where I am still myself, but changed. I’ve learned so much from this journey. I am open to new connections and partnerships. I am called to help children and adolescents, they’re the best – so smart and fun, they are the future! I am relieved.
Being a long-time meditator and therapist, I knew these thoughts to be a temporary visitor, I knew it would pass, but still, it was confusing and foreign. I affirmed what I’ve always know, there is power and healing in sharing your story. During this difficult time, I’ve been and felt heard and listened to; I’ve had many, many friends hear me out over the past year, and I am grateful to each of you, thank you. When I share that what I was going through seemed foreign, I felt detached from the experience and from my purpose, and that’s a hard place to be. I was like, “What is this?”
And now I know. I know that everything in life is a teacher, and that thoughts and emotions that persist are worth exploring and need their time in sun, bring your thoughts to light and watch them evaporate. So I asked myself,
“What if I wasn’t a counselor anymore?” “What do I want in a career?” “What am I good at?” And of course, “Who am I?” These questions needed answered, and in time, they were. I attribute this to talking it out with my closest confidants, people I admire, and going inward, connecting to God and meditating, and connecting to my spiritual life, engaging in rituals that have meaning to me, self-care, and engaging with my spiritual tribe.
I am especially grateful to my bestie and my husband for creating safe and sacred space for me to explore and go through what I had to go through to make it to this place – leading back to myself – and that it’s okay to not be okay. I also want to highlight the importance of time well spent being alone, going inward, listening and learning.
I spent a few hours listening to this amazing class on the Hero’s Journey, it was a chapter in my good friends spiritual coaching class. It talked about the tests we face on our own Hero’s Journey, the mentors we have along the way, and the gifts we bring back with us. I also learned that I may get to this place of challenge again, but I know I’ll find my way out, with love and compassion, some reflective time inward in meditation, prayer, and learning, and with the help of good and honest counsel by those who know me best.
This leads me to connecting this journey to my Spiritual Awakening. I recognize and honor that this past year I’ve grown stronger in my journey as a Spiritual Awakened being (less ego, more spirit). So, “What does Spiritual Awakening mean to me?” God has placed loving, spiritual people in my life. These wonderful souls are loving, compassionate, connected to the oneness of all beings and to God. I have been blessed to visit amazing healing places where I’ve experienced unique healings and meditations and have connected with more beautiful souls. I’ve had opportunities to be of service that have increased my empathy, loving-kindness and humility. I am more connected to nature, I spend time outside and take care of my plant babies #plantmom. I feel connected God and the Universe and all souls, that we are an interconnected whole, we’re all one, we’re a United Spiritual Community.
All life is valuable and has purpose and meaning. My life has meaning and purpose. I desire connection to others and to my purpose, I can use my unique gifts and talents to serve others, and grow in abundance in mind, body, and spirit. I can once more believe in the mission and vision of my life and identify it, nourish it, and live it. I appreciate the outlet to share with you today. I’m very pleased to have identified the problem, and to feel connected and purposeful again in a real and authentic way. I sit here relieved, and I feel satisfied in my quest. I am pleased to look back on this past year and say, “Wow! What a journey!” The ship (my life) has righted itself and I am back on track. I am ready, and I am grateful.
In a few days I’m leaving for Athens, Greece on a girls trip. I’m looking forward to having more time to sit with this new Spiritual Awakening and acceptance of my journey in life and in my career as a therapist. I enjoy my life, my life matters, and what I do matters. I’m back!